Feeling alone this time.

How can one person be surrounded by lots and lots of people but yet, remain feeling lonely?

That is the question of the day.

Today, I am surrounded by family and friends. Yet, I feel alone and helpless. I hate feeling this way. No one likes to feel alone. We all have a sense of loneliness at times. But why does my loneliness specifically feel like everyone knows? 

There could only be one reason... I have not been in the Word like I am suppose to. I want to be on fire for Him! I want people to know Him through me! My sense of loneliness comes from within myself without Him. 


That needs to change. 


I need a break.


from life

Am I to blame?

We are not here to please people 100% of the time. Sometimes we need to do things for ourselves.

During the duration of my father's stay at the hospital. I have bent over backwards for him and Wendy, his girlfriend. Gave them money, bought them the things that they "needed", and have escorted them from place to place.

So.. what else is new?

 I feel like I have been taken advantage of one too many times. But yet, I put myself in the position to be easily taken advantage of. Someone asks me for something, I complain about it but am too nervous to say no, they guilt trip me into letting in, and then I give in. It's that simple.

I need to stop. But it's like an addiction that I can't quit. Now I semi-understand what my parents go through day to day with the addiction of drugs and alcohol. For the longest time I judged them and looked at them differently than I do "normal" people. Because they smoked, drank and did drugs, I wanted nothing to do with them. They often asked me for money, to either pay a house bill or to fulfill the satisfying their hunger. I of course, gave in. What else was I to do?


Heck, I still do it.... to an extent.


Why do I continue to call them knowing that they are going to ask for money? Why don't I do what I intend to really do? I want to say no, but I can't. It's like there is something in the back of my mind that is telling me that somehow if I help them this one time, they would try harder to do better or change. Does that ever happen? No. 


I may never know the reason as to why I do the things I do for them. Maybe it's because they are my parents and I somehow feel like it's partially my fault for how everything panned out.


As the owl says in the tootsie roll commercials... 
"The world may never know." 


And neither shall I.

Thanks people I call parents.

 

We Never Know

In the past week, I've had to take my father to the hospital because he was on the verge of dying. Granted, we all are going to die at some point in our lives... I would like him to walk with me at me wedding one day. He's been in the hospital for over a week now and although things are looking better for him, he is not out of the woods. The doctors found polyps in his colon and have removed them. But that's not what I'm worried about.

It's what they aren't telling me is what worries me.

My dad has Hepatitis C. The kind that can't be cured. It slowly attacks the liver and eventually he will die from liver failure.

On a positive note... he is staying pretty positive for everything he is and already has gone through.

My prayer today is for my dad to get out of the hospital safely.

Forever.

Lately I've been thinking about something different than normal.

...

Marriage. 

It's not typically s omething some like me thinks about often. Seeing how I do not plan out anything and try to live life as spontaneously as I can. Lately though, I've been the "typical" girl. Planning out her wedding to the exact t. Figuring out what type of cake to order or how many people are going to attend. 


My boyfriend of almost two months have had this conversation more than once. I feel as though we are going way too fast and it frightens me. But then I think about how much he truly does care about me and wants nothing more from me than what I have to offer. He loves me. And for that, I am grateful.


Forever is a long time to be with one person. The rest of your life. They know the good and the not so good. I know it may be too soon to tell, but this guy that I'm dating, Daniel, may be the one. No... he is the one.


We will be are forever.


Forever....


.... that's a long time.

When I Grow Up

"Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come." -Psalm 71:17-18

I've been thinking lately... what am I going to be like ten years from now? Who am I going to marry? Will I have children? I'm sure these thoughts run through every 20 year old girl's brain. I just want to be sure that I am making the right choices. Although, I understand that I will definitely make mistakes throughout my lifetime.

I realized for the first time last night that saving yourself for marriage is by far one of the hardest things to do. Well, not really. When it comes down to it, it's a matter of selfishness... to not want to save yourself is like telling your future spouse that you don't really care about them and was so selfish that you cared about your own desires more than theirs. More importantly, it's telling your Father that you have better plans for yourself than He has for you. That you don't care what He has in store for you and you are going to do what you want whether He likes it or not. What we don't realize, is that He knows whether or not we will give in to temptation. All we need to do is ask Him to help us to deny temptation like He did.

So, when I grow up... I still don't really know what I want. Growing up, my mom often told me that God has a plan for you no matter what you have planned. With that in mind, I never really planned my life... who I will marry or where I will live. The typical girl plans their exact wedding, what age they want to get married, what age they are going to have children, if they even want children, and how many children they will have. Not me. God knows all of that already, and for me to plan just so that my plans will be rearranged? What's the point?

I want my future husband to know that I saved everything I have for him. That I did beat temptation for him. I only want to give him what I expect to receive from him on my wedding day. A man after God's own heart. Yep.

I want people to know that I am a christian whether or not I say anything. It should be evident in my life without saying a word.

No words. Just actions. Because of course, actions do indeed speak louder than words.

Somewhere in the Middle

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58

As an American, I feel as though I do not live for Him like I am suppose to. I constantly find myself somewhere in the middle. Between contented faith and always wanting more. I hate feeling that way but at the same time, I am satisfied with being the way I am. I only say "as an American" because believers whom reside in third world countries have to keep quiet about their faith and aren't permitted to speak of it or they will be persecuted.

Imagine...being persecuted for your faith. My mind cannot begin to wrap itself around the thought. To take life for granted, to live in a country where prayer is allowed in schools. Our country gives us freedom of speech; we can share the name of Jesus with whomever we'd like.

If in America, we have all of this freedom, then why are we not getting the word out there?! Why do we just sit back and wait for someone else to come along and share their faith? Why is it that people in Turkey or China can manage to reach lost people and tell them about my Jesus, when here in America we are easily influenced to doing the wrong thing?

Everyday I find myself wanting to know more about Christ. Wanting my relationship with my Lord to get stronger.

Today, I will reach out to one lost soul. What will you do for your God?

Lukewarm

"I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off." -Isaiah 56:5

Recently I have been thinking about how I live my life and who exactly I am living for. I've come to the conclusion that I am living for myself and not for Him. I've also concluded that I cannot live both lives. I cannot "live for Him" while doing what I please on my own time.

When it comes down to it, it's pure selfishness.

I feel sometimes that I cannot really worship like I would like to because I feel like a hypocrite. I am a hypocrite. I come to church on Sundays and live like the world on every other day of the week.

I feel as though I am living the "luke warm christian" life. Jesus does not mix words to help me manage my sins. He simply tells like it is. Revelation 3:16 says "So, because you are lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of My mouth!" I feel as though He is being very literal. I cannot begin to think about leaving a putrid taste in my Lord's mouth.

" 'There is no peace,' says my God, 'for the wicked.' " -Isaiah 57:21

I simply need to stop living for myself and more for Him.